


(it's like a whirlwind inside of my head)

by tempesteru



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Smut, Mildly Dubious Consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 10:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12106962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempesteru/pseuds/tempesteru
Summary: "Why don't you stop being a clown and be a singer instead?" His eyes traced the sharp jaw of the man sitting beside him."You know why."  A flick of long fingers and shifty eyes. A dismissal to the topic.





	(it's like a whirlwind inside of my head)

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to not go into expected trope about Circus and the "realize people is not what it seems". Sorry if this doesn't satisfy you, prompter! Personally, I like this AU. Shout out to A and S for proofreading, and Mods for holding the fest, and being patience and understanding throughout my submission!

The little fan planted on the wall whirls around noisily. It produces more sound than cooling the air for the room. Jongdae sits restless on the hard plastic chair. His back is stiff against the straight angle of the back of the chair. His slender fingers tap-tap-tapping a random rhythm onto the cheap plastic table while he waits for his dinner.

The small Chinese eatery smells smoky, like something delicious and heartwarming, but also cheap and greasy. The lamp hanged on to the ceiling blinks subtly like a flutter of eyelids before sleep overpowers someone. On the top wall of the counter area, there is a photograph of suspicious looking tiger. It doesn't look majestic at all, especially with the teeth looking sparse and blunt. Its face doesn't look menacing at all. There is no threatening feeling coming of from the tiger in the photograph.

Jongdae wonders the purpose of having it there as decoration. He wonders what the owner aunty is thinking when putting it there. Of course, it's not because the photograph itself looks like some kind of art.. right? What the hell was the owner thinking, though? And, why the hell he feels so invested to know the background story of it?

Sighing inwardly, he shifts his gaze towards the entrance of the kitchen. It's a family-running eatery and the workers are definitely the auntie's family or relative. Jongdae exhales slowly. His stomach gets crankier by the tick tock of the clock, to the point he can taste the bile at the back of his throat. He is sure it's going to growl soundly soon.

He doesn't remember when is the last day he remembers to eat real food other than his fit bar. Last Monday? Or was it Sunday before it? However, to his defense, these past days he doesn't have the appetite to eat at all. It's more an auto survival mechanism when he bites into his fit bar rather than because he wants it.

Jongdae is aware of the reason why his appetite plummeted. His mind keeps coming back to one thing, and one thing only. Baekhyun. And, he doesn't know if he hates it or if he hates the idea of failing to move on from their short lived and disastrous relationship. If there is ever one. He doubts it.

"Here is your meal." A young tall man put down a plate chinese fried rice, a small dish of kimchi, a bowl of clear seaweed soup, and a cup of hot tea in front of him.

Jongdae's eyes flicker up to his face and find the handsome young man smiling at him. The young man's eyes curve kindly up, changing his cold and stoic expression into a friendly one. Sehun? Jongdae vaguely hears the auntie called the young man when he stepped into the eatery earlier.

"Thank you," he says, a little smile pulls both corners of his lips into a similar endearing cat mouth-shaped.

"Are you new here?" The young man asks him, hips cocking on the edge of the table as he hold the delivery tray on his other side. His eyes looking at Jongdae's inquiringly. "Sehun."

"Jongdae." The answer come automatically as he widens his smile. A little bit friendly-fake if the other man bother to look closer. "Yeah, yeah. Just got here two days ago."

"Are you from the circus?"

Sehun seems interested in him because he doesn't stop asking, even though Jongdae has clearly gestured, with shifty eyes and all, that he is not in the mood to talk to some strangers. 

Jongdae can see from his peripheral that the eatery is not busy at all, and Sehun probably has the need to entertain himself. After all, what can a small town offer to a young man with curiosity?

He certainly knows that feeling well. After all that's one of the reasons why he ran away from his home town. That place lacks of things that can keep him occupied. (And, the fact that he might or might not kill his drunk uncle that night by, oops, accidentally pushing the man down the stairs. But hush, he doesn't want to go back to that. If he doesn't remember it, it might as well never happen.)

"You have heard?" Jongdae picks a spoon and starts stirring his fried rice to distribute the heat. Cloud of hot delicious smoke swells up and tickles his nose. If he doesn't have the appetite before, he definitely has now.

"Yeah. Hey, can I sit here?" Sehun asks. He promptly pulls the chair in front of Jongdae and sits. An elbow lifts and props up against the table to cushion his jaw against his palm.

"Are you sure you are allowed to slack off while working?" Jongdae quirks one brow up. He resigns to his fate and let the persistent young man accompany him for his meal.

"Nah, there's hardly anyone around at this time. There's only you. I am bored," Sehun answers readily. "So, are you a performer, Jongdae?"

"You look young, you should call me hyung."

"Well, your face certainly tells me that you are much older, Jongdae-hyung." A cheeky smile graces the handsome face.

"Brat." Jongdae says. He scoops a little of the fried rice and starts eating.

Jongdae thinks Sehun could pursue a life as a model. Instead, here is Sehun, a young man living in the small town and working in a small chinese eatery that runs by his family. Doesn't he know how that feel like?

The cheeky shit is brave enough to shoot him with a dismissive "nah", as if being called a brat is a thing that happened regularly. Jongdae bets it's the case.

"So, hyung, you haven't answer my question," Sehun asks him again as he munches through his dinner slowly. It's a good food. Kind of reminds him of his late grandma's own fried rice.

"Hm. Why don't you find out tomorrow night? Come to the show."

He is only three spoons in, and he feels full already. What a waste of good food, he thinks as he eyes his plate still full of rice. He picks up his cup of hot tea and gulps down all of it. "I am done. Thank you for the good food. It's delicious."

Sehun eyes him judgingly. "Are you kidding me? Aunt Mijin will feel insulted if she sees this much leftover."

"Then, finish them. I am full. You are young and skinny. You need this more than me."

"Wow." Sehun exclaims flatly. "I feel honored to eat your leftover, your Majesty. Thank you for the kindness, but it's unwanted."

"Yeah, wow. Thank you for sassiness, stranger dongsaeng. It's nice. But unwanted." Jongdae stands up and puts down a couple of 5,000 won notes which is more than he needs to pay for. "Keep the change to buy the ticket for the show."

"Hyung, you are really something," Sehun murmurs impassively. "But I think this," he gestures to the money on the table, "is not enough, because the show is fucking expensive and I am poor."

Jongdae snorts, zips up his hoodie as he walks to the exit. "See you when I see you, brat."

 

_________________________

 

The night is chilly when he steps outside and heads back to his place tonight. The circus has settled on the outskirt of the town, only short 20 minutes walk from the center. They have set a large tent as the main stage on the empty abandoned field and a couple of game booths and food stalls. Everything he could do for the show tomorrow is already done. The stage and props are set. They had dry rehearsal this late afternoon, and will have another one with the performer next morning.

A small puffs of air is visible against the dark when he exhales through his mouth. Autumn has arrived for several days now, and once they hit coming winter, the traveling circus will have to go on hiatus. It's too high maintenance and harsh to just do a show when the weather is too cold. In Winter he will also need to decide if he wants to continue traveling with the circus after the season has passed or not.

That aside, Jongdae has decided he won't be coming back to his home town. He misses it--some of the people, some of the places--but it's suffocating. Nostalgia just makes it look better than it actually is. He is not going to be a fool and trapped thinking otherwise. Besides, he still doesn't know whether he has become a murderer or not, and he isn't about to find that out by coming back home. Not some time soon. Maybe later, when he is older and finds it in him to regret things he did when he were young.

His mind conjures the pretty image of Baekhyun and he sighs. It's not that he doesn't want to think about the man again. He likes the man alright, the frequent fucks are great. He just doesn't like that he is starting to feel like he wants them to be more than friends with benefits. He knows the tell tales.

Several weeks ago, he was so mad when he saw Baekhyun cozying up with Chanyeol in a dingy bar, he actually gulped down his beer and slammed the glass on the counter before taking his leave. Then, he had wanted to beat the shit out of his favorite Lay hyung for sucking Baekhyun's cock when he stumbled upon them on the last night of the show in the town before this.

He doesn't like this sudden aggressive feeling. Jongdae doesn't like the feeling of anger and frustration taking over him. He is a pacifist. He doesn't like unnecessary confrontation if he could help it.

There is also the fact that Baekhyun doesn't want them to be more than they are now, Jongdae's mind supplies helpfully.

He smiles bitterly. There's that, too. Probably the real reason why he is feeling uneasy with the relationship they have. It's petty, he knows, since both of them starts this knowing it's a no-string attached kind of thing; a suck my cock and fuck my ass so hard in the night and forget it the next morning -thing. Repeat. For at least four months. Four fucking blissful months of exclusive FWB. But now, it's not enough for Baekhyun anymore. It's clear that it's not enough for him anymore, too.

Fuck it. Jongdae grits his teeth as a sudden feeling of irritation rises within him. Fuck Baekhyun and his good cock. And his dream and insecurities. And his loud infectious laughter. His singing. His comedic acts. Fuck their long nights together, talking about everything and nothing. Fuck it. 

"Tch." He kicks a stone that stands in the middle of the beaten path just to release some of his frustration.

He sees the heavily lit circus complex and trudges on steadily until he hears the rustle of the bushes ahead of him. He stops and waits. Is it wild animal? Squirrel? Jongdae holds in his breathe.

Turns out his worry is uncalled for, because in a blink, he hears a loud groan and then two men coming out of the bush. Jongdae freezes on his step once he knows who they are. Baekhyun and Junyoung, the circus newly joined crew. At the same time, both men realizes his presence a few meters behind.

"Hi, Jongdae. How are you doing?" Junyoung greets him, and without waiting for a response, he turns to the shorter man besides him and taps lightly on Baekhyun's ass. "See you inside, Baek." The older man leaves them alone soon after.

The silence that follows is awkward. Jongdae wants to snort at this ridiculous situation if not for Baekhyun looking a little bit embarrassed. Looking at the messy hair and look, the swollen lips and red hickey on the side of that long neck, Jongdae can conclude pretty well what has just transpired between Baekhyun and Junyoung behind the bush.

"Hi." Baekhyun greets him, sheepishly.

_ The nerve. _ Jongdae scoffs. "Hi." He replies flatly and continues on his way.

"Don't be like this. Hey. Dae. Hey. Come on, I am talking to you. Hey."

His wrist is grabbed from behind and Jongdae pulls it back. "What?"

Baekhyun glares. "You know what."

Jongdae deadpans. "No, I don't." He wishes he doesn't sound petulant, but who is he kidding. This is downright petty, even for him. He moves again, ignoring the frown that mars Baekhyun's expression.

Baekhyun grabs his arm again. This time crowding into Jongdae's personal space. "Don't-" He stops to take a breath and Jongdae sees the way Baekhyun's eyes drop to his lips. He hates where this is going. "I-"

"Baekhy-"

Then there's the familiar crash and burn against his lips, where Baekhyun takes, takes, takes everything even when Jongdae has nothing to offer, except a commitment they both know they are not ready for, nor do they want.

He can taste the smoke of Baekhyun's menthol cigarette and the familiar disgusting aftertaste of weed when their tongues clash in a battle of dominance. Jongdae lets Baekhyun in charge.

He lets the man pull him towards the bush and further into the trees surrounding the area. Jongdae lets Baekhyun push him to lie down on the cold ground. He doesn't put much struggle when Baekhyun pulls his pants down and spread his legs. He merely gasps when Baekhyun inserts two saliva coated fingers in his asshole and fucks him raw.

"Ah-ah-ah- Jongdae, you are tight- Ungh-"

Jongdae lets Baekhyun's pretty hand slips under his hoodie and t-shirt to play with his hard nipple. He lets out moans after moans, but bites his lips when a plea for Baekhyun to fuck him harder is at the tip of his tongue. His fingers grabs and pulls hard at Baekhyun's hair when the pretty mouth swallows him down. And for a while, all Jongdae can hear is his blood rushing inside his ears, muffling the wet, sloppy sounds of flesh moving, grinding, hitting, against another flesh.

It's a white blinding light and burst of dark spots before Jongdae feels like he is on his own body again. He hears a rustle and a ragged breath beside him. Jongdae lifts an arm over his eyes and regrets.

Sex with Baekhyun always leaves him feeling like he has been buoyed to heaven, but then their incapability to define this relationship between them makes Jongdae feel worse. That he is weak and has succumbed to this again.

It was already a week since they decided to have enough of uncertainties between them and break whatever bonds they have, and look, they are still like this.

Jongdae mentally beats himself. He lets out a small sigh and moves up to collect himself. This will be the last time, he swears. He pulls his pants up and pats the dirts off his clothes. Baekhyun still lies on the ground, although now the older man is eerily silent.

"I'm sorry."

That gets Jongdae snapped. He stops and without looking at Baekhyun, he grits out, "What are you sorry for? There's nothing between us."

"I'm sorry."

Jongdae holds his breath before exhaling them slowly to calm himself. "Are you, now?" He turns and looks at the slender man lying carelessly on the ground. His eyes are covered by both arms crossing over his face. Jongdae sees the flutter of breathe the man is taking, like Baekhyun is holding for a sob that means to go silent, unheard.

"I'm sorry." Another whisper rings through the silence around them.

"Okay." Jongdae tries to suppress his irritation. This is as much as Baekhyun's faults as it is his. It's a mess they have overlooked and forgot to prevent. But, it doesn't justify this- this- whatever it is now between them.

"Okay. Are you done now? Because I am with you, Baekhyun-ssi." He emphasizes on the formal honorific to make his statement, and then he leaves.

 

_________________________

 

Jongdae remembers the first time he met Baekhyun.

 

_________________________

 

It's a cold night in an early spring. He had been working for the circus for just short three days. As a new crew, he got the heavy work a lot, so when nights came he only wanted to rest.

Some of the traveling crew, especially the performers, normally got a decent stay — a dingy motel at most, a three-stars hotel at best, but at least better than nothing — in the heart of the town, while the rest got to sleep in the vans and guard their home ground, the empty field where they would set up the circus arena, complete with the signature red and white big top.

That night he decided to rest outside the van for a while longer. It was parked in the back of the big top, a little bit closer to the trees. He was enjoying the gentle breeze, the soft hum of nature at night, and the blue-tinged dark sky with dots of blinking stars. Unexpectedly he heard a loud voice from the thin forest surrounding the area. Feeling curious, Jongdae got up and follow the sound, which got louder as he got closer to the beginning of the wood.

What he found instead was a slender looking man, probably around his age, humming with his eyes closed, his profile sharp and soft at the same time highlighted from the only light coming from the shining and unclouded moon. Frowning, Jongdae watched the man continued humming and then opened his mouth-

It's not like the singing was so beautiful, or the voice was hauntingly good. It was none of that, but Jongdae found himself bewitched all the same. The mood, the scenery, the velvety voice, it all befitted and Jongdae found his gaze transfixed to the man in front of him.

And the stranger’s honey-like voice sounded something like a dainty promise; something like unforgettable past, at the same time unforeseeable future. For a simple person like him —him,  Jongdae the guy from a small town, who enjoyed singing albeit only when he was showering in the bathroom just to annoy his old neighbors — , this situation was just weird. Pleasantly weird, but still weird.

"You can close your mouth, you know?"

Jongdae snapped out of his revery. His mouth immediately clamped shut upon the mocking comment. It was from the singing guy.

"Who are you?"

He looked up and caught droopy almond eyes looking at him, an amused smile decorating the small face. In South Korea, there was a popular belief that the smaller a face, the prettier and interesting the person was. Jongdae agreed. This stranger was pretty.

"Jongdae."

 

_________________________

 

He remembers their conversations and nights together well.

 

_________________________

 

"Why don't you stop being a clown and be a singer instead?" His eyes traced the sharp jaw of the man sitting beside him.

"You know why."  A flick of long fingers and shifty eyes. A dismissal to the topic.

"No, I don't." A brow lifted inquiringly, a little demanding, but not unwelcomed. 

"Aish." Head plopped down on bony shoulder. "I already told you why."

"But you want to be a singer, Baekhyun. Why not?"

"Just." A quiet whisper. "It's just." An awkward shrug from the man and he got it.

He got it.

 

...

 

"Do you ever miss home, Dae?" Almond eyes looking over the dark, dark sky.

"Not really."

It's a hot night and they were sitting outside. The night was melancholic, like it brought up many nostalgic feelings that he wasn't sure what. Only, his heart was trembling, like a dying leaf blown by the autumn breeze. It's an upbeat  _ thump, thump, thump _ against his rib cage, and aching like it's longing for something that was never there before. "I like it here," he says, and then added playfully, "I like you."

"Stop being a grease ball. Please."

A roll of droopy eyes met his, and a slow curl of a kittenish lips formed. "But, I do."

 

…

 

Jongdae stared at the droopy eyes blinking slowly. There was this tension, this attraction between them that wouldn't resolve itself. Everyone in the circus group had deemed them as best friend, some even went to tease them if they already fucked or not yet.

It was kind of weird. Jongdae was sure whatever was happening between them, it wasn't just physical lust. Perhaps, this was what it felt like meeting his soulmate? Someone who understood him and vise versa. But, at the same time also pulled him in with his everything. The eyes. The smiles. The laughter. The life anecdotes they shared.

His lips parted in its own as they got closer. And, when their lips finally touched, it really was nothing special. At least nothing like the novel he read when he was a teenager. No fireworks exploding in the sky. No heart beat went crazy. It was just a collision between two lips, and clashes of tongues.

Then, lust took over. Whatever melancholy things he thought before, it flew out of Jongdae's mind.

 

...

 

A barely heard whisper in the dark of the musty-smelled hotel room. "I hate people."

He turned his head to look at the black mops of hair right on top of his pillow. "Weird for you to say that," he drawled. A little hoarse because of the moaning and howling he had made while Baekhyun fucked him hard onto the mattress. "Since, you know, you are earning your living by making people laugh."

"But, that's it." A muffled response before the slightly older man rolled onto his side and faced him. "That's a job." Baekhyun sighed quietly. "Something I gotta do to make a living."

Despite definitely noticing the downturn at the corner of the kiss-swollen lips, Jongdae settled with a light response. "Stop being depressing, Baek. Your face doesn't match the mood." 

There was a flutter of a smile before he heard Baekhyun's playful groan, "Stop being shitty lover, you shit."

 

_________________________

 

Jongdae just doesn't remember the time when they weren't together and it makes him hard to think clearly.

The smell of popcorn is enticing only for the first 10 minutes, but afterwards, Jongdae feels like he is inhaling more grease than oxygen. It's nauseating, he thinks as he smiles and hands the popcorn bucket to the shy boy.

"Have fun," he beams at the boy and gets it fully returned, complete with a smile that shows a missing front tooth. He looks back up to his next customer and arches his brow inquiringly when he sees that it's the stoic young man from last night.

"So, you are not really poor, huh?" Jongdae teases him as Sehun hands several 1,000 Won notes.

"Well, this is not mine anyway. It's from that boy." Sehun shifts his gaze until Jongdae finds the person he meant. Queuing in the Lucky Shot stand is a pretty boy, who looks rich by his preppy attire, Jongdae concludes from the quick glance .  Sehun continues cheekily, "He likes me."

Jongdae fakes an impressed expression. "Wow. Lucky you." He quickly prepares a cup of popcorn as he side-eyes the growing queues.

Sehun immediately pouts. "You are mean, Jongdae hyung."

"I am being nice, you brat," he scoffs and hands the popcorn to the taller albeit younger man. "There. Now, off you go. Enjoy the circus show with the pretty boy."

"Hyung, let's hang out together after you finish with this," Sehun gestures to the popcorn machine and steps aside to give way to the next buyer, a little, tiny boy. "I come here to see you."

He tunes off Sehun and bows until he is eye-level with the boy. "Hi. What do you want?"

The little boy gives him a toothy smile and put up one finger between them. "One, please." His high pitch voice makes Jongdae grin.

"One it is." Jongdae turns back to his machine and serves two cups of popcorn. He gives it to the boy who looks back at him in confusion.

"A bonus," he winks and gets himself a very big smile from the boy.

"Hyung," Sehun persists beside him when the boy skips away with the popcorns.

Jongdae ignores him and smiles at the girls now occupying the boy's spot. One looks boyish with short hair and boyfriend-outfit style and the other looks like a sweet daddy's little girl with the babydoll dress and denim jacket. "Two regulars?"

"Two buckets." The girl with the short hair answers him boldly. As Jongdae turns to serve their order, the girl adds with a giggle, "And, Mister Clown asks us to say hi to you because he is shy." She sounds a little bit too excited, like she has a secret she wanted to told him, but can't, since it's a secret.

Jongdae watches her pretty dark eyes twinkle prettily and groans inwardly. Despite his rising irritation, he gives both of the girls a smile. "Two buckets, gotcha."

"Mister Clown?" Sehun questions while he munches on his popcorn. His eyes scan the crowd and finds a clown standing a few meters across them.

Jongdae still ignores the remark and serves the popcorns. He hands them to the girl and receives the money.

"Popcorn-sshi, don't you want to say hi back to Mister Clown?" The girl asks daringly.

Jongdae gives them a sweet smile. "I'll tell him by myself. Don't worry your pretty head." He waves them away. The girls only let out shrilly giggles in return.

He serves two more buyers before he acknowledges Sehun who still stands beside him, now with his cup empty and a pout adorning his handsome face. Jongdae sighs.

"Why are you still here?" He checks his watch. 7.23 PM. Seven minutes before the main show starts inside the big top, and then another 15 minutes before he can close his stand and clean up. "Where's your lover boy?" He looks up and finds the pout becoming more prominent. Jongdae raises his eyebrow.

"I thought you like me, hyung. Did I read the signs wrong?" Sehun asks bluntly.

Jongdae takes the empty cup from the younger man and fills it up. "Yes and no." He answers and hands back the full-to-the-brim cup of popcorn.

"No?" Sehun picks a puffed kernel and puts it into his mouth, while Jongdae goes back and serves another buyer. "Hyung, the clown is coming."

Jongdae looks up from his task of shoving the popcorn inside a bucket. Indeed, he can see Baekhyun marching up to them with a frown. Jongdae bristles, but he finishes his task first and sends off his customer with a tight smile.

Jongdae ignores Baekhyun and looks at Sehun. "Why are you still here?"

Sehun glances at the clown who has stopped right in front of them and looks back at Jongdae. "So, I actually have a competition?"

Jongdae rolls his eyes, somewhat fondly even though this is only the second time they have met. "Brat. There is no competition here." Then he looks at Baekhyun who is staring at him in silence. His expression unreadable behind all the white powder makeup and creepy contact lenses, except for the downturn of his lips, which all that red lipstick can't hide. "You need to head inside."

"Jongdae," Baekhyun starts.

But Jongdae is not having it. They are not doing this anymore. "The show is starting," he told the man. And that is that. Baekhyun should have been able to take the hint. "And you," he turns to Sehun, "Your lover boy is coming to get you with a huge stuffed dog."

Luckily for Jongdae, both of them seem to get the hint to leave him alone, at least for now. He sighs heavily and then put on a smile for another last minute popcorn buyers.

 

_________________________

 

"The clown, hyung, really?"

Jongdae rolls his eyes when he hears Sehun. The field is now deserted, everyone has gone inside the big top. The only people left are the one who have to clean up the game booths and food stalls.

"It's none of your business, Sehun-ah." He closes the glass window of the machine and ready the cart to move.

"Oh, you call me by my name. I am happy."

Jongdae rolls his eyes again. He is sure Sehun is doing that with the intent of being obnoxious brat that he is. "Come on. I am tired."

Sehun snorts. "What? I haven't done anything to tire you, yet."

"You are giving me headache here, you brat." He pushes his popcorn machine cart to the back of the field, where the traveling truck is. Their steps make a crunching sound against the gravel and dried fallen leaves.

"I am going to be straightforward with you. I like you. Let's fuck?"

Now, Jongdae is the one who snorted. "Wow, that sounds very romantic. I am blown away." He turns and looks at Sehun who follows closely. "Not."

"But you were interested, until the clown came over and then you were not anymore."

Jongdae continues his task. "Yep. That's pretty much it. Sorry for blowing up your expectation."

"We still have tomorrow."

"Nope, brat. Tomorrow afternoon will be moving to Mokpo." He pushes the cart up the tail lift and leave it there. Jongin is in charge of loading the truck tonight.

"It's not like Mokpo is that far from here. I could ask Suho hyung to drive us there and catch up with the circus."

Jongdae lifts his eyebrow skeptically. "Suho hyung? Is that your lover boy? Are you for real?"

"You are no fun." Sehun harrumphed. "I lied. He is my cousin. I like you, though."

He thinks, for now, getting a one night stand is not going to help him move on. Maybe later. Later when he is done with the circus (with Baekhyun, his mind whispers traitorously). He could still come back here and seek after the younger man. Maybe. If both of them are still interested. But, later.

"Very tempting," He sighs and takes out a pack of cigarettes. "However, I have to pass. I'll let you know when there is vacancy."

That earns him a serious killer pout. Jongdae rolls his eyes mentally. Such a kid, really. Handsome. But still a kid. Shame. (There is someone that also behave like a kid, though, his mind, again, whispers conspiratorially; he shakes them off.)

"Buy me a bubble tea, and I'll let you go," Sehun settles in the end.

See? Jongdae snorts, fondly this time. "Brat."

 

_________________________

 

Last night and this morning he didn't see Baekhyun. The man never tried to find him after the show ended. Jongdae, too, although he had wondered, didn't try to find him. In the end, there's nothing to talk about. Baekhyun doesn't want to commit. He, too, doesn't think he is ready to settle. He likes Baekhyun. But a relationship? Love? Something just doesn't seem right about those. So, what's there to talk about?

All these feelings are probably leftovers from their closeness and intimacy. Once they're passed this awkwardness and aggressiveness, they'll be fine again. Perhaps not the same, but they'll be fine. The question of are they going to be fine together or by themselves isn't important. Not now.

The walk back to the empty field is uneventful. This morning he went to the town to meet up with Sehun. They had been texting since last night, and Jongdae indulged the younger man's request for a friendly date at his favorite bubble tea cafe. He likes the younger man alright. It feels almost like having a cute bratty brother.

When he reaches the bare field, the big top and stages already taken down this early morning, he right away comes over to the truck and vans, where people have gathered. They'll be leaving in an hour or two.

"What's up?" He greets some people and nods at Chanyeol and Lay. He is barely squatting down when there's a yelling from inside one of the van.

"What is that?" Some of them immediately stands up and runs to the van.

Just when Jongdae is about to move and finds out, he hears another yelling.

"Hey! Baekhyun! Hey!"

Jongdae freezes on his spot. What?

 

_________________________

 

The white and clean wall. The smell of disinfectant. The quiet echo of people walking in the hallway. The hard and uncomfortable rows of seat in the waiting room. To be honest, Jongdae always hates the hospital. He rarely goes to one, but the uneasiness feels the same anyway.

But here he is. Four hours in since they brought Baekhyun into the ICU and then moved him to standard room. He is alone. Since the circus have a tight schedule to follow, the circus director, Yunho, decided that only one person got to stay and accompany Baekhyun. Jongdae volunteers himself with a promise to update everyone.

Valium overdose is the doctor's diagnosis. Apparently, it's been awhile since Baekhyun abuses the substance.

Today is his unlucky day because he had consumed too much of the pills. But it’s Baekhyun. The clown who always puts on a smile and brings laughter to everybody. The one who is deemed as the most social butterfly person in their ragtag traveling circus group. He is the man who accompanied Jongdae when he was feeling wistful and melancholic in the night. He is also the man who told Jongdae that he wanted to be a singer. And, that he hated people.

His fingers absentmindedly tapping and swiping across the screen of his Samsung. He is browsing the side effects of the valium while also updating Yunho and Chanyeol about Baekhyun's conditions.

He looks up when the door opens and a nurse comes out. Quickly turning his screen off, Jongdae approaches the nurse.

"How-" Jongdae clears his throat, "How is he?"

"His condition is stable now. You may go inside, but please don't disturb his rest." The nurse gives him a kind smile and then resumes her walking.

Jongdae turns the doorknob and peeks inside before stepping in. Baekhyun lies on the bed. An IV drip stands on the side of the bed with a hose connected to it's drip and Baekhyun's back of the hand. He settles on the brown ratty couch near the door and watches Baekhyun's face. Blank and pale. No smile and no frown.

Looking at the innocent looking face makes Jongdae reflect back to many nights they had spent together before things went awkward. Looking at Baekhyun now makes Jongdae feel like there's so much things that he doesn't know at all.

When Jongdae joined the circus group as a crew, he didn't expect it's going to be as fabulous as it had when he was a child and watched a circus show with awe in his eyes. But, he never expected such wonderful performances done by such amazing performers that had brought joy to many people, actually had a pretty much depressing behind the scene.

Sure, the traveling was fun. But logistics could be a mess, especially if they're short on budget. However, Jongdae thinks that the most unexpected part of joining this circus group and getting the chance to interact with such talented and hardworking people, is how many of them are actually the opposite of their stage persona. Sure, the passion is real, but underneath all that bright smiles are gritted teeth; underneath those widely appraised talents are pressures to always show and work their best. It's.. jarring, to say the least.

Like, behind the powdery mask of the clown there is Baekhyun, a man who is scared to follow his dream to be a singer, only god knows why. A man who runs away from his problem by having sex every time the anxiety hits.

A little cough breaks the silence in the room and Jongdae's attention zooms in to Baekhyun. He can see the flutter of his pretty eyelashes; the slow up and down of his ribcage under the horrendous looking pale blue hospital gown.

Jongdae sits still and waits.

 

_________________________

 

He blinks rapidly as blurry view of white ceiling becomes clearer and clearer. He fell asleep? Jongdae sighs and stretches his back a little from his sleeping position on the couch.

"I am sorry."

Jongdae blinks again. Is that the sound inside his head, or.. He turns to his side and looks at the bed. There Baekhyun is, on the bed with his back props up against the elevated bed head.

His eyes are not looking at Jongdae, instead it's focusing on whatever it is he is seeing in front of him. That's okay. Jongdae will listen to what he wants to say. This is probably the talk they need to have. He pushes up and changes his position to sitting as comfortably as he can down.

"My dad was a singer." A beat of silence. "He sang in pubs and cafes." Another silence. "Mom didn't like it. She thought it was fun and cool when they were a couple. But changed her mind once they got married." A sigh. "She wanted him to have stable job."

Baekhyun snorted derisively, but it seems that he is not finished yet, so Jongdae keeps the raising questions to himself.

"Dad wasn't happy because mom complained a lot. Mom wasn't happy because she deserved better than a hard life. They fought every day. Always about his passion that didn't bring the money in."

Jongdae listens attentively, expression going more pensive as each words stumbled out of Baekhyun's mouth with a flat tone.

"One day, she took me away from home. We were leaving dad. I was sad. I liked dad. He taught me how to sing. He always sang along with me. He was an asshole to mom, but he always sang along with me."

Jongdae notices the quirk at the corner of Baekhyun's mouth before it quickly turns to frown. "Mom always said to me I shouldn't be a singer because it's not worthy. She repeated that day and night since we left dad. I never knew what happened to him after that. I left mom three years ago. Never looked back."

It was silence for awhile, until Jongdae decides that Baekhyun has finished telling his story. He opens his mouth.

"I-"

"Don't leave."

That stuns Jongdae into silence.

"Stay."

Jongdae closes his mouth. Even though it leaves unspoken, the words like "don't leave  _ me _ " or "stay  _ with me _ " echo in the distance between them. Whatever the problems are between them, haven’t been resolved.

But, Jongdae relents. "Okay."

 

_________________________

 

When Baekhyun is asleep later that night, Jongdae thinks about a lot of things. One that stands out is how relieved he is. They have spent the day talking like they usually did before. And, even though Jongdae still doesn't know where it leaves them or what they are now, or if he loves Baekhyun or not, he knows for sure that he wants them to be together.

He is lying down again on the uncomfortable small couch. His eyes watching the fluttering short red ribbon tied in the air conditioner flap. "Are you asleep?" he asks, not really expecting an answer, but not surprised when he gets one.

"No."

Jongdae shifts his gaze and meets Baekhyun's. "Can't sleep?"

"I- The bed is- uhm, cold," Baekhyun mumbles, a suspicious blush blooms on the apple of his cheeks.

Jongdae holds back a smile that creeps in the corner of his lips. "I can fix that."

He gets up and walks over to the bed. Baekhyun sends him a shy smile as he makes a space for Jongdae to join him. Once they are settled down cozily against each other, Jongdae decides to stop fighting the urge to be possessive. He turns to his side, places his arm over Baekhyun's torso and positions himself as the big spoon. The slightly older man may not be his, but why should he deny the feeling anymore? They clearly like each other, with or without commitment.

"I miss you," Jongdae says and it rings true.

All the longing that he never feels before, probably locked up somewhere where he couldn’t feel, crashes down inside of him. He tightens his hold. "I miss you," Jongdae repeats as he lets the feeling washes over him.

There is a beat of silence as fingers slide over and intertwining with his. "I miss you, too."

It’s not much, but Jongdae can work from there. They can work this relationship out from there.


End file.
